What would never say but should say
by Xlater
Summary: Well...what they would never say but should say
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the series or it's characters.

Italics denote an action

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_During a Sleeping Kogoro Act _

Conan- _through the bow-tie _Now, it is obvious that when Ran entered the room, the killer panicked and hid in the closet. This leav-

Kogoro- _Waking up _Ugh...My head hurts..

Conan- Oh sh-t!

--------

_During a heist, KID runs outside with a gem_

Kaitou Kid- Now to see if you are Pandora..._Hold gem to the sky only to realize that it is overcast_... Oh, hell.

---

Ai- _in a fit of depression _I wish I was never born.

Conan- I wish you were never born either..._referring to his height_...After all, this **is** all your fault.

-----

Bartender- What will you be having?

Vodka- Gin.

Gin-_turning _What?

Vodka- Nothing. _Gin turns away_

Bartender- Sorry, I missed that, what will you be having?

Vodka- Gin.

Gin-_turning _What?

Vodka- Nothing.

Gin- _mutters while turning back _One more time, you fat b-stard, one more-

Bartender- _unable to resist _Brandy?

Vodka- **Gin!**

Gin- _shoots Vodka_

---

_looking upon another dead body _

Mitsuhiko- Holy Sh-t! Dat mof-cking n-gga got his punk-ss shot!

_Genta looks at him strangely_

Ayumi- _apologetically_ Sorry, all these murders have warped his fragile young mind.

---

_After a Kaitou Kid heist_

Nakamori- 3 helicopters destroyed, 7 people wounded, 5 buildings on fire, KID got away, and I look like an idiot. It's Miller Time!

---

Takagi- Okay, the victim was raped, dismembered, strangled, disemboweled, and thrown into the river. After that the killer wore her small intestine as a scarf. Do you know what that means?

Satou- _between pukings _...what?

Takagi- We are dealing with one sick son of a b-tch!

---

_Sonoko gets a glance at Kaitou Kid_

Sonoko- I know who the Kid is!

Kaitou Kid- _panicked _No, you don't!

Sonoko- Yes I do! You're Shinichi Kudo!

Conan- _girly shriek _**What?**

**----**

_Kudo is comparing notes with Kuroba_

Shinichi: Okay, We are both fixated on one subject...

Kaito: ...that our fathers are better than us at...

Shinichi: ...and a criminal organization...

Kaito: ...who wears monochromatic uniforms...

Shinichi: ..and seeks immortality..

Kaito: ...wants us dead...

Shinichi: ...but we keep doing what we do best...

Kaito: ...which screws over the father of our best friends...

Shinichi: ...who are female...

Kaito:...and are childhood friends...

Shinichi: ...who looks similar to the other...

Kaito: ...and we hide massive secrets from them...

Shinichi:...and they would kill us if they knew...

Kaito: ...and we use lots of gadgets...

Shinichi:...and we know an old man...

Kaito:...who knows our secrets...

Shinichi:...and is a friend of our fathers...

Kaito: ...and we both wear an eyepiece that we really don't need...

Shinichi: ...because it helps to hide our identity...

Kaito: ...and-

I am going to stop right there before I have to expand this section into a whole new fic.

----

_During the events of episodes 205-206/ Volume 27 chapter 4-6 _

Satou- s_creaming at the burning building _Takagi, you idiot!

Takagi- _behind her _F-CK YOU!

----

_During the events of Movie 8_

Kogoro- What? Ran has got to land the plane? _turns to Eri_ Bet you five thousand yen that **this** is the thing that screws her up for life.

----

Ai- _now an adult_ I have found the cure!

Conan- What is it?

Ai- One gram of crack cocaine!

Conan- How did you figure that out?

Ai- I...uh...discovered it... by accident.

Conan- Oh.

---

_Kogoro and Conan are walking down the street. A ridiculously hot woman walks by them. They turn around to get a good look._

Kogoro+Conan-Damn!

_They look at each other_

Kogoro- Aren't you a little too young for that?

Conan- Aren't you a little too married?

---

_Gin has finally cornered Ai. She draws out a knife in a mediocre attempt of self-defense._

Gin- What's that?

Ai- _scared sh-tless _It-it-it's a k-knife. I-I-I'll stab you if y-you-

Gin- That's not a knife. _draws item from his pocket and holds it up _**This** is a knife!

Ai- _confused _That is not a knife. That is a spoon.

Gin- Oh. So I see you've played knifey spooney before.

---

Kazuha: _watching Neon Genesis Evangelion _Deja vu!

(Asuka Langley Soryu and Kazuha Toyama are voiced by the same person)

---

_Screaming at a computerized Chess game_

Agasa- En Passant **MOTHERF-CKER!**

Computer- _monotonous _Queen to King 5, Checkmate

_A hand giving the middle finger appears on the screen_

_---_

The Teacher- Don't do drugs, they'll stunt your growth.

Ai- That is so ironic I can barely put it into words.

----

Conan-_ about to shoot Kogoro with his watch _Okay...Ready...Aim...

_He accidently shoots himself_

Conan- Oh sh-t! My watch was on backwards!

_Faints_


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the series.

This is the last one of this series I am going to write. This is because fanfiction, like movies, can only have one sequel before it starts to suck.

Italics denote an action

You may notice that I take idea or two from "Big Trouble in Little China" (1986) Just want you to know that I don't own it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_What they would never say but should say 2_**

---

Conan- There were 217 murders in Tokyo last year and I, _points to self _was at all of them!

----

_Heiji and Conan are searching a wall intently_

Conan- What exactly are we looking for?

Heiji- A switch that will open the secret hallway. We gotta be very careful and quiet about this.

_Kogoro enters and sees what they are doing_

Kogoro- Secret passage?

Heiji- Secret passage.

Kogoro- F-ck it._ Pulls out some dynamite and lights the fuse_

Conan- **OH SH-T!**

_----_

_After listening to some complex murder-which-looks-like-suicide explanation_

Ran- Can't people just commit suicide anymore?

---

_After solving a murder_

Hakuba- _to the murderer_ I have a question I want to ask. How come you did this? Did she kill your lover?

Shinichi- Did she destroy your family's business and drive your parents to suicide?

Takagi- Did she, through negligence, cause the death-

The Murderer- No, I did it just because I'm a crazy motherf-cker.

---

_During a Sleeping Kogoro act_

"Sleeping" Kogoro- ...and that's my theory on Lost.

---

_Gin enters the Mori Private Detective Agency._

Conan- _thinking _You gotta be f-cking kidding...

Gin- _to Kogoro _Kogoro Mori?

Kogoro- Yes?

_Gin stares Kogoro down for a couple seconds, then bursts into tears_

Gin- I think my wife is cheating on me!

---

_A person is murdered at a KID hiest_

Nakamori- KID must of killed him! He has finally stepped up to murder! KID is a mur-

Hakuba- I haven't killed anybody! I don't ki- _realizes _oh, crap.

_KID rips off his Hakuba mask and jumps out a window_

Nakamori- Who the f-ck was that?

Satou- What do you mean, sir? That was Thief 1412.

Nakamori- That's impossible! **I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE! **_realizes _oh, sh-t!

_KID rips off his Nakamori mask and jumps out the same window_

Aoko- What just happened?

Kaito Kuroba- _fully confused _I don't know!

**---**

Genta- Call me **Ishmael**

Ai- Have you been reading Moby-Dick, Gen-

Genta- I said f-cking call me ISHMAEL, **PUNK!**

---

_2004, a while before the world series._

Akako- _to a magical mirror _Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who will win the World Series?

Mirror- The Boston Red Sox, ma'am.

Akako- What? That is the lamest bullsh-t that you have ever tried to feed me. They will NEVER win the world series. EVER. My grandfather cursed them himself.

_Later that year, after they win_

Akako- Why didn't you tell me? I lost 500,000 yen on a bet!

Mirror- Are you f-cking dense?

---

_Over breakfast_

Mitsuhiko- There is a message in my alphabet soup! "oooooooooooo"!

Ai- _looks at the message _You dumb-ss, those are cheerios.

(**A/N**- Family guy rules!)

---

_A plan goes wrong, which leads to the __Shōnen Tantei being locked in a closet._

Genta- Do we have a back-up plan, Conan?

Ai- _dryly _Oh, sure. Just turn around while he pulls it out of the usual place.

_----_

_Another take on the "Shonen Tantei being locked in a closet" scenario_

Mitsuhiko- _imagination getting the best of him _Oh man...Walls are probably three feet thick... welded shut from the outside... covered with bricks...and guarded by dogs...and guys with machine guns!

Ayumi- Don't give up, Mitsuhiko!

Mitsuhiko- OK, I won't! Let's just **chew** our way out of here!

---

Ran- _screams _No!...It can't be...**IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!**

The Teacher- I assure you that it's true, Ran. Japan did, indeed, lose World War 2.

---

_Conan has taught himself ventriloquism_

_"_Sleeping" Kogoro - Now, allow me to tell you how this crime was commited while Conan drinks a glass of water!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan.

Okay...maybe just one more sequel...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heiji- You must be bored out of your mind.

Conan- _surprised_ How do you know that?

Heiji- You haven't had a real case for a week and it's been months since you shot Kogoro.

Conan- _sadly _Yeah...It's funny how you miss the little things..._nostalgically _Aw, once more, for old time's sake! _He draws his watch and shoots Kogoro, who faints_

Heiji- _total shock and disbelief _K-K-K-Kud-Ku-KUDO! If he's asleep, then how can he **DRIVE THE CAR**?

Conan- ...aw, sh-t.

_Car flies off the road_

_---_

KID- _changing from a disguise to his distinctive white clothes _**SHAZAM**!

**---**

_At the police station_

Megure:_ telephone rings _Hello, Inspector Megure speaking.

Kogoro- _over the phone _Megure, you're a motherf-cking dead man...

Megure- Kogoro?

Kogoro - ...I'm gonna hunt you down like the b-tch you are, rip out your heart, and force feed it to your wife...

_On the other end of the line_

Conan- _through the bow-tie ..._and you can't do nothing about it.

_Conan hangs up the pay-phone, laughing manically. _

_----_

_A little bit after the preceding one, at the Kogoro Mori Detective Agency_

Conan- Ran-neechan? What's for dinner?

Ran- Oh, I'm thinking some noodles and- _phone rings, Ran answers _Hello? Oh! Hi, Shinichi!

Conan-_high pitch _**What?**

_On the other end of the line_

Kaito- _laughing manically_

---

_Kaito is seen by a cop while changing into his hat, suit, and monocle_

Cop- You're under arrest, Kaitou Kid!

Kaito-I'm not KID! I am, uh... just going to a costume party!... and I am going as a ... _looks himself over_...as a pimp?

Cop- _satisfied _Ah! Have a nice day, sir.

_The cop leaves. After gaping for a couple seconds, Kaito turns to a bystander._

Kaito- Do I really look like a pimp?

_The bystander nods._

_---_

Heiji - The murderer walked up behind the victim and stabbed him in the back and...that's it. _laments _People in Osaka are **sooo** uncreative.

_---_

Ran- I can't **believe **that I am actually starting to think that my sophomore best friend is disguised as a first grader.

Aoko- _passing by _I know how you feel. I'm starting to think my best friend is KID.

Gin- _eavesdropping _Come on, this isn't some cheapsh-t anime.

_---_

_KID is flying over Tokyo. Three bystanders are pointing at the sky._

Bystander 1- It's a bird!

Bystander 2- It's a plane!

Bystander 3- It's a pimp!

KID- _screaming into the megaphone in his hat _It's a f-cking hang-glider, -ssholes!

---

_Conan has solved a murder that Sherlock Holmes himself would stumble on. Hakuba, Kogoro, Heiji and Eri are amazed._

Ai- _groans_ All that just came from a guy who believes the plural of 'goose' is 'sheep'.

---

_After the events episode 20/ Volume 2, Ch 8-10_

Conan- That was the lamest sh-t ever. Damn, that episode is gonna **suck.**

Naruto- Go to hell! That one episode was better than **MY ENTIRE SERIES!**

(**A/N: **I hate that show. How the heck is someone supposed to be a stealthy ninja assassin if they wear a bright ORANGE track suit and never stops talking? Think about it.)

---

_During the evensts of episode 11-12/ Volume 7, CH 2-7_

The Murderer- _As the community center burns down_ F-ck 'Moonlight Sonata'! This is the sh-t right here!

_Starts playing "Go To Sleep" by Eminem_

_---_

_Conan is explaining the facts of life to a murderer via sleeping Kogoro._

"Sleeping" Kogoro- -but you made one mistake. That's right, I found the bottle. It is going to come back from the lab with your fingerprints all over it.

_Meguire looks impressed. Ran cheers. Ai and Takagi have a "why didn't I think of that" look on their faces.The Murderer seethes for a few seconds before smiling._

The Murderer- Good deduction, but you made one mistake. I never threw the revolver into the river!

_The Murderer draws a revolver, kills Meguire, shoots Kogoro between the eyes, and skillfully kills Ran, Ai, and Takagi with one bullet each before commiting suicide._

Conan- _peeking over the remains of Kogoro's head _Wow, that went ...very poorly.

---

_Ai is tutoring Ayumi on self-defense._

Ai- There are 74 pressure points on the human body which result in death. I will teach you 73. The 74th I may one day have to use on you. _Ayumi raises her hand _Question?

Ayumi- How the hell did you get so f-cked up?

---

_Ai is staring into a petri dish. Agasa enters._

Agasa- Whatcha' looking at?

Ai- Dumb-ss Shinichi ate some APTX 4869 by mistake and now he's a zygote. Don't worry, you'll be able to talk to him in nine months.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own DC or MK. That's right, I DO NOT own the Discovery Channel or Mortal Kombat.

That's it, this is the last one. FOR SURE. (my fingers are crossed)

I must admit, although quite a few of these are mine, that I am borrowing ideas for some of the others from sitcoms such as South Park, Family Guy, That 70's Show, Robot Chicken, ect. So don't accuse me of being unorginal because I am not pretending to be original.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Agasa - _after having a bucket of icy water dumped on his head_ What the hell is going on?

Genta- Mr. Agasa, it was just a prank that went wrong. Horribly, very horribly wrong.

Agasa- Really? Well I have a prank too. One where my foot **doesn't** plow through your -ss and send you **all the way to f-cking sh-thole England!** Let's hope it doesn't go **horribly**, **very horribly wrong**!

---

Ran - It's like everyone we meet is totally screwed up and homicidal.

Kogoro - Hey, at least we're better off than those 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' motherf-ckers.

---

_Watching Mitsuhiko attempting to flirt with Ayumi._

Genta- Those two could make the dumbest babies ever.

---

_Eight years ago, Kogoro meets Agasa for the first time._

Kogoro- Damn, with a pimped-out car like that you must be up to your neck in all the b-tches and sl-ts.

Agasa- _sadly _You'd think so...but fate is cruel.

Ran- _8 years younger_ Daaaad! Don't use bad language!

Kogoro- F-ck that sh-t, I'll say whatever the hell I want.

Shinichi- _8 years younger also _Sh-t, Ran...I love it when your dad comes over!

---

_A lawyer is reading Toichi Kuroba's will after he died in the "accident"_

Lawyer- "and further more, when the time for my burial comes, it is my wish to be buried face down. This is so anyone who doesn't like me, can come kiss my -ss"

(A/N- Yes, I know that most people are cremated in Japan, but roll with me on this.)

----.

Agasa- Damn it, I did **not** f-cking lose a leg in World War f-cking Two so Japan could motherf-cking legalize abortion!

Ai- You still have both your legs, Agasa.

Agasa- Like I said, I did not lose a leg in World War Two!

---

Ran- Wow, Dad, you seem to be enjoying that whiskey.

Kogoro- What do you mean? This is only my third glass.

_Kogoro takes a sip from a large 3-gallon bucket._

_---_

_Batman has confronted KID_

Batman - I am the Dark Knight!

Kid- _thinking _Wait, Kudo once acted as a dark knight in that play..._speaks _Shinichi?

Batman- What the f-ck? **No!** **DARKER**!

Kid- Hattori?

(A/N - Mind of Mencia rules!)

---

Kogoro- This was a suicide!

Takagi- Mr. Kogoro...I..uh...don't think he hogtied himself, shot himself four times in the back of the head, and threw himself off the, uh, bridge.

Kogoro- Um...Yes, he did! And he wrote this note, too!

"Suicide" Note - I hate life. I can't f-cking take it. Screw this sh-t, Signed, The f-cking dead guy.

---

_Ai is crying her eyes out. Conan enters._

Conan- Whoa! What's wrong?

Ai- I just realized that I am going to go through puberty twice!

---

_Mitsuhiko has found Kogoro's adult film collection_

Mitsuhiko- I don't know what is going on, but that is the luckiest pizza delivery man in the world.

---

_During a game of "I've Never"_

Satou- _tipsy _Oh, um, OK! I got one. I have never slept with Meguire's wife.

_Meguire, Kogoro, and Takagi drink._

---

_Piss Poor Pick-up lines, example #1_

Heiji- Kazuha, you have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?

---

_Bad guy discovers that Kogoro has a high tolerance to pain during torture._

Bad Guy- I see you are no stranger to pain, Kogoro.

Kogoro- I've been married.

Bad Guy- Ah.

Kogoro- To a lawyer

Bad Guy- _groans in pain_

Kogoro- But I did get to shoot her once...

---

_Conan's bowtie runs out of batteries during a "Sleeping Kogoro" act._

Conan- Oh sh-tsh-tsh-tsh-t...Oh, f-ck, this is worse than the time I lost the key to that chastity belt...


	5. Chapter 5

The saga continues.

-----------

_Ayumi has confessed her feelings to Conan. The Shonen Tantei, Ai, Agasa, Moris, and Kudos are waiting for his response._

Conan- Oh, wow...I...um..I...My heart belongs to ano...too young...I...I...oh, **F-CK IT!**

_Conan shoots himself with his watch_

_---_

_Conan shoots Kogoro with his watch as part of the Sleeping Kogoro act. Kogoro spits up blood and spasms for a second before collapsing. Stunned, Conan notices a little note that popped out of the watch._

Note- Dear Conan, ran out of Ketamine, replaced it with Super-Deadly Cyanide for the time being, Agasa.

---

_Kogoro doesn't like Meguire's plan to capture a criminal._

Kogoro - I am not a freaking puppet!

Conan - The only way you could be more of a puppet is if I had my arm up your -ss.

---

Agasa - _Holding up an invention _OK, ready? Its not just a baseball bat- its a baseball bat with a nail in it!

---

_A woman is sitting on a bench in a park, reading a book. A man walks up to her, produces a piece of pipe and knocks her out. He draws a pistol. He takes careful aim at her head. He pulls the trig-_

Man - Wait! What would Jesus do?

Narrator- AND THUS, AN EPISODE OF DETECTIVE CONAN WAS AVERTED!

---

Kogoro - Ran, you know how I go to bars alot...and how sometimes I don't come back for the whole night? Well...you have 3 sisters and a brother now.

---

Conan - With a keen eye for detail, one truth prevails.

Mitsuhiko - **YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!**

_Everyone stares at him_

Mitsuhiko - Sorry...

---

Ran - So, have you ever met another detective besides Heiji who is as good as you are?

Shinichi - Yeah, but I had to kill them. I don't like competition. _Ran laughs_

_The bodies of Heiji, Hakuba, L, Columbo, Adrian Monk, and_ _Inspector Morse are all lying in his closet._

_---_

_ala James Bond_

Gin - You are too late, Mr Kudo. The space lasers will wipe Fargo, North Dakota from the map!

---

_Conan has forgotten how to use his tranquilizer watch_

Conan - Oh, OK, um...GO GO GADGET WATCH! _nothing happens _f-ck, I thought that was it.

---

Murderer - _after killing a security guard_ Oh my god! What have I done? Life is the most sacred gift we have, and I've taken that gift away from another soul! This man, he was not evil. He was simply a paid drone doing what he was hired to do. What right have I to steal that most precious gift that is life from him? This man, he had hopes, dreams. He probably had a family and friends that cared for him! Now those dreams are dead along with him, and those that loved him will be left in mourning. Perhaps that was why he took this job, that he might have the money and resources to pursue those hopes and dreams, to provide for his family and those who loved him. And I, in selfish pursuit of my own goals, unthinkingly snuffed this poor man's candle. I don't deserve to live. It should be me on the floor with that bullet hole in my chest instead of him. Now I am damned for all eternity, his face forever etched on my mind. Curse me. Curse my wretched soul!

---

Teacher- Okay, Class, we are going to do an imagination exercise! I want a volunteer to draw the most exciting thing you can think of on the blackboard. _hands go up _Ai! You draw something.

_Ai gets up and moves to the blackboard. After careful deliberation, she places a single dot on the board._

Teacher- ...What is that?

Ai- _best little kid voice_ It's a period!

Teacher- What is so exciting about an English punctuation mark?

Ai- Dang if I know, but when my big sister said she missed one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and Uncle Joey hung himself!

Teacher - _gasps, pales, and stutters _Oh, uh, I-I-I, uh...

Conan - _gives Ai a high five on her way back to her seat._

_---_

_Conan has a moment of reflection on his place in the universe._

Conan - D-mn, I'm a melodramatic **and** pretentious b-stard.

Hajime Kindaichi - Join the club!

Horatio Caine - Now we have a membership of three!

(Kindaichi Case Files equals (Case Closed - The Kid Angle) + Even more pretentious bullsh-t )

(Horatio Caine equals Godawful Character, CSI Miami equals Godawful Show)

_---_

Ai - _frustrated _Damn, it's sooo **hard **to counteract a drug which defies the laws of physics and biology!

Conan - What are you talking about? "It's hard to defy the laws of physics and nature?" Aren't you there when I solve cases?

---

_Torturing Teachers, part 2_

_Teacher has now decided to have a "What does your Daddy do for a living?" activity_

Student- My Daddy is a fireman.

Student 2- Mine's a roofer!

Student 3- My Daddy is a police man!

Conan- My Daddy is a rapist!

Teacher - _shriek-ey _**What!?**

Conan - That's what my Mommy always says! "Your Daddy was a punk-ss motherf-cking rapist

Student 4- Miss Teacher, what's a rapist?

Teacher- I, I d-don't think we should, uh, talk about that.

Student 1- I wanna know!

Student 3 - _whiny _Plllleeeeeeaaassseeee!!

Student 5- Come on!

_The kids start chanting "Tell us! Tell us!". Ai and Conan share a low five._


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own the show, nor it's characters

I'll probably keep going until I get bad reviews.

Mind you, most of this stuff is not original (although some is), these are mostly jokes and comic strips one-liners that I heard somewhere and am repeating here in DC form.

* * *

_The Shonen Tantei is having a sleepover at Conan's residence (which, if I recall, also happens to be the Kogoro Mori Private Detective Agency)_

Genta - Hey, man, I thought you said you had a talking clock.

Ayumi- Yeah! Where is it?

Conan- I'll show you. _Picks up a hammer and thumps the wall a couple of times_

Kogoro- _in the next room _It's one in the f-cking morning, Conan! A nice f-cking time to drive nails into the f-cking wall, you b-stard!

---

_At a bar_

Mitsuhiko- Okay, a pimp, a fat-ss, and an idiot enter a bar-

_At that precise moment, Kaitou Kid runs through __the bar with Meguire and Nakamori hot on his heels._

Ai -_piously_ Speak of the devil and he shall appear...

---

_Once again, at a bar. Three flies fly into the drinks of Satou, Takagi, and Kogoro, respectively._

Takagi- _to the bartender _There is a fly in my drink, may I have a new one?

Satou - _Shrugs, pulls the fly out, and downs the drink._

Kogoro- _holding the fly by it's wings _Spit it out! Spit it out or I'll rip you in half!

---

_Ayumi is making faces_

Teacher- Ayumi, when I was your age, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would look like that forever.

Ayumi- Well, you can't say you weren't warned.

_Later on, Conan passes her a 1000 yen (10$) bill._

---

_Teacher finds Conan and Ai in the Janitor's closet_

Teacher- What are you two doing?

Conan- _holds up a bottle _Just proving that rat poison only works on rats!

Teacher- OH MY GOD! _sprints away_

_Conan and Ai burst into laughter_

---

_After the preceding one_

_At a hospital_

Ai- _after being forced to vomit _In retrospect, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Conan- _groans_

---

_Eri is taken hostage by knife-point._

Kogoro- Takagi, give me your revolver. I'm a crack shot. I won't miss.

_Kogoro shoots Eri in the heart. After she goes down, Kogoro shoots and wounds the hostage-taker._

Takagi- _in horror_ I thought you said you wouldn't miss!

Kogoro- _little smile_ I didn't.

---

_Yusaku is attempting to give a bedtime story at a Ran/Shinichi sleepover._

Yusaku - Now, this is the story of Little Red Riding-

Shinichi - _5 years old - _I wanna Three Pigs story!

Yusaku- _sighs _The Three Little Pigs and the Big, Bad, Wolf. I've told that story to you, both of you, over 70 times. Let's try something el-

Shinichi - I WANNA THREE PIGS STORY!

Ran- _5 years old _ME TOO!

Yusaku-_ sternly _Don't talk over me, Shinichi. _normally_ Now I suggest that-

Ran and Shinichi - THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS!

Yusaku- _warningly _Hey! Hey! Don't talk over me!

Ran and Shinichi - THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS! THREE PIGS!

Yusaku- _breaking point _FINE! You want it? I'll give you the the Three Pigs story! With a twist!

_At 3:00 A.M, Shinichi and Ran are awake, curled into balls under their blankets, and hiding in the closet._

Ran - _chanting _There's no such thing as serial killers, there's no such thing as serial killers, there's no such thing as-

Shinichi - Ohhh, man... Do you think the townsfolk will ever find that pig's head?

---

_Kogoro is writing his "autobiography"_

Kogoro - _narrating _There I was, in my office. I have eight rounds in me, one lead and seven Scotch. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. As it is, I have a hard time paying my bills. Bill, my probation agent, Bill, my bookie, and Bill, the pimp whose services I keep on speed dial. I keep two magnums in my desk. A .44, which I keep loaded, and a french champagne which keeps me loaded. I'm a professional snoop, a private eye. It's a tough job, but hey, I'm a tough man. Anyways, There I was, recovering from my recent standoff with a ring of Mobster collection agents when a someone knocked on my door. It was trouble. In the form of a dame.

Ran- _reading over Kogoro's shoulder _This doesn't sound anything like your life, Dad...

Kogoro- _narrating_ Another brunette teenager. She had a case, more like she WAS a case.

---

_Eri and Kogoro are touring a farm in seperate groups._

Eri- _nearing a chicken coop _Wow. There is only one rooster for all those hens?

Tour Guide- Oh, the rooster works very hard. Several times each day.

Eri- Every day?

Tour Guide- Yup.

Eri- _chuckles _Tell that to Mr. Mori.

_Later on, the Guide tells Eri's story to Kogoro._

Kogoro- Does the rooster work on the same hen several times each day?

Tour guide- No, sir.

Kogoro- _chuckles _Tell that to Mrs. Mori.

---

_On a sign outside a restaurant_

Sign - No Mori's allowed.

Conan- I guess word of Kogoro's luck got out.

---

_Introductions_

Conan - I'm Edogawa, Conan Edogawa.

Mary- Hi, I'm Sue, Mary Sue.

_Conan looks at her strangely, then shoots her with his watch._

Conan- _walking away _Just in case.

---


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan nor Magic Kaitou nor any of the number of things I ripped off to make this series.

Did you think I was dead?

* * *

_Ai walks into a room._

Ayumi- _frustrated _Genta, Genta, **Genta**! For the 27th time, water does not boil at 90 degrees. It's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees!

_Ai turns around and leaves the way she came._

_--_

_Gin is holding Ran hostage, and has barricaded the room he is in against the police._

Gin- _desperate _Don't come in, I'm armed!

Policemen- _outside the room _I say we kick down the door!

Ran- _attempting to help_ He's a postal worker!

_Pause_

Policemen- Just stay calm, man! We're getting help for you!

--

_Ai is holding a syringe with the cure in it_

Ai- _excited _Finally, this is it!

_She injects herself_

Ai- _gasps _Oh my-_ faints_

_Two white mice come out of the shadows and inspect the body._

The Brain- She's still alive! Pinky, you IMBECILE, you didn't put the poison in the syringe?

Pinky- Well, gee, Brain, I lost the 'cy-yo-need' bottle you gave me so I filled it with the stuff in the other bottle.

The Brain- What other bottle? What was the label?

Pinky- I dunno, Brain, I can't read. Narf!

_The Brain glares Pinky for a second, then sighs._

The Brain- Let's just go back to the laboratory, Pinky. We must prepare for tomorrow night.

Pinky- What are we going to do tomorrow night?

The Brain- The same thing we do every night, Pinky: TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

--

_Akako and a Party Guest are making idle conversation_

Guest- Nice party, huh?

Akako- D-mn straight.

Guest- I heard that Sleeping Kogoro Mori will be coming.

Akako- _pales a bit_ I didn't know that. _To herself _Oh, that means someone's gonna die.

_She produces a crystal ball and peers into it _

Akako- Oh, yes, he'll be here. Um..._not sure how to say this.._.you want to know who else will be here?

Guest- Who?

Akako- _apologetically _Your guts, on the wall.

--

_Conan, now Shinichi, has confessed to Ran. _

Ran- _emotional, but the emotion isn't joy _So, so let me get this straight. I have been worried sick about you for the last five years. I've, I've cried about you, confiding to you about you not knowing it was you for the last **FIVE **years, while you wer-were hiding and, and laughing at me...

Shinichi- _this is not going the way he planned_ I wasn't enjoying it, Ran, but the, uh, Black Organization-

Ran- Oh, that's right, you were hiding from the scary -ss mafia that no one's ever f-cking heard of-

Shinichi- Well, they're very good at that. Do you think I'd lie-

Ran- No, God forbid you'd lie, for the last **FIVE **f-cking years-

Shinichi- Well,-

Ran- I've, I've, We've bathed together, slept in the same bed, I've **changed **in front of you-

Shinichi- Well, I-I-I had to, to had to keep my cover! What would it have looked like, if-if a second grader...

_Out of fear, words fail him. Out of anger, words fail her. She recovers quicker._

Ran- _voice breaking _You stay right there. _storms off into her room._

Kogoro- You do realize that she's going to kill you, right?

Shinichi- _manages a confident smile _She's not gonna kill me, she loves me.

Ran- _comes out with a baseball bat_

Shinichi- _jumps out the window_

_--_

_Serena is reading a "Detective Conan" manga with increasing distaste. She turns to Rachel._

Serena- Rachel, can you believe that they Japanized us?

Rachel- Those dastardly villians!

_--_

_Kogoro is on the phone._

Kogoro- Well, I realize that I've been very wrong to you. I honesty love you, and only you, but you wouldn't know that from the way I've been acting recently. I was wondering if you'd let me take you out for dinner tonight, and we could sit down and talk things out. You will? That's great! An hour from now? Wonderful. See you soon.

_Ran, who has listened in, starts to glow. Kogoro showers and puts on a nice suit._

Kogoro- _on the way out the door _Oh, yeah. Ran, if your mother calls, tell her I went bowling or something.

_Glowing stops._

_--_

_The Teacher is trying to figure out the reason for Ai's sudden drop in grades._

Ai- Well, I think it's just because I'm stupid.

Teacher- Oh, you're not stupid. Why would you say that?

Ai- _starting to crack up _Well, I said it because I didn't want you to feel all alone.

_Ai starts laughing. The Teacher glares at her. Ai pauses for a second, then cracks up and starts laughing even more hysterically._

_--_

_Genta hasn't had anything to eat for 3 hours._

Genta- _moaning_ I am **soo **hungry!

Mitsuhiko- _giggle _Hello, Mr. Hungry, can I call you "So"?

_Pause_

Ayumi- _slaps him_

--

_The Teacher writes a "D" on the blackboard._

Teacher- Now, does anyone know a word that begins with "D"?

_Conan gives Ai a "watch this" nudge and stands up. Ai is already laughing silently._

Conan- _innocently_ Miss Teacher, I have a word.

Teacher- _death voice _**SIT THE F-CK DOWN.**

Conan- _sits down_

_--_

_During a Sleeping Kogoro act._

Sleeping Kogoro- Now, although it may be tempting to suspect that the Doctor committed this evil murder, he is innocent.

_Doctor breathes sigh of relief._

Megure - Then who was it?

Sleeping Kogoro- With a keen eye for details, one truth prevails. That one truth-

Voice- THE PLUMBER DID IT!

_Silence. Everyone turns to look out the window. Heiji is riding by on a bicycle._

Heiji- _screaming like an ahou _THE PLUMBER STRANGLED HER WITH A WRENCH AND PUT HER BODY IN THE FREEZER! THE HAIRS ON THE WRENCH ARE PROOF! TAKE THAT, KUDO! AH HAHAHAHA! _rides out of earshot_


End file.
